Hark! I Proclaimeth

it has come to my attention that more and more people are reading my blog and frankly speaking, i don't really like that. when this blog started out, no one, not even my bestest friends, knew its existence because i wanted to be completely anonymous.

but after awhile i gave the URL to my best friends and slowly gave the URL to a select few in my next circle of friends, with the request to not link my blog to any of theirs. however, i guess it managed to leak out, so i thought, oh what the heck, just let it be.

however, ever since i started working, more and more people have started to look at my blog (if you guys are expecting "2dae ii w3nt sh0pPinK, wusH sHo funn n ii lub mii deaRx deaRx" then i'm sorry, no can do) and i realize that i don't like it at all. i prefer that NO ONE (except you, my darling D) reads my blog at all, because when i write my entries are highly personal and meditative.

however what's done is done. if you have my URL (whether i gave it to you or not), by all means i'm not stopping you from reading what i write. but just remove whatever links you have on your own blogs and websites that link to my blog, and also, please don't give my URL out to anyone that asks. i suppose i could start a "public" blog but that's poppycock and i won't waste my time humoring those who want to know the precise amount of toothpaste i use to brush my teeth in the mornings. or what i ate or at what exact time did i defecate.

on other news,

Joshua, my dear number one fan, it's not that i don't want to join the Windsorians in activities, but you must know that while it's easy for you PGPers and Hall-ers to meet up regularly for night-time fun (and you, Sir Derek-of-dubious-sexual-orientation-and-shady-cosplay-habits, often have personal transport), it's not easy for me to do so, even if i live within the same geographical area of campus. cos 1) it costs money to travel, 2) i meet strange perverts at night and 3) i have a life outside school that demands a lot of my time.

however, the Windsorians can drop by at my place anytime (provided i'm free) since *ahem* there's 2 swimming pools, 3 jacuzzis, 3 tennis courts, an underground squash court, 2 karaoke rooms and of course, barbecue pits.

non-Windsorians need not apply, my invitation is for Windsorians only. except, of course, my darling D and also, Michelle aka hot Eurasian friend. you can come over and have your bikini parties any time. don't forget it's PWHOF!

Playeth in Costumeth

i wanted to cosplay at cosfest this year and signed up with a team, but in the end they decided to postpone it till later, so i don't know what to cosplay as this year.

and it's going to be my first cosplay, not counting the "cosplay" i did last year at EOY.

the problem is, i don't know what to cosplay as.

i really want to cosplay as Chii from Chobits, but then the wig would be a bitch. if only i could do it with my real hair, but then i wouldn't look like Chii anymore. i'll just look like some random person with Chii's persocom ears.

then apart from that, the other animes i watch are hentai and yaoi. i remember when i was 16 i wanted to go for some cosplay event dressed as Miko Mido from La Blue Girl, with my best friend, but in the end it turned out i wouldn't be in Singapore during the event. then now i find out that cosplay hentai characters are not allowed at events? but Miko Mido dresses decently (enough), and has that big stupid purple bow on her head. i really loved La Blue Girl and all the tentacle sex action though, it was really funny and ridiculous.

ok well, the next best cosplay would be the Bake Neko arc of ~ayakashi. at first i'm thinking of crossplaying as the demon catcher, but then i think i'll pull off Kayo better. but then i really like the demon catcher, so then i'll need a partner to be the demon catcher. then on second thoughts, Kayo does look a little stupid. and i'll have to be thinner to pull off the demon catcher.

heh. Oiwa-sama of Yotsuya Kaidan is out of the question as i don't want to get cursed. i mean, it's better to play on the safe side. it's said that if an actress doesn't visit her grave and ask for a formal pardon and her permission to play her role, the actress's right eye will drop out and her hair will fall off. and many of the people involved in reproductions of her story have died or committed suicide. so i guess, not risk it?

it wouldn't be fun to cosplay as Tomi Hime from the Tenshu Monogatari arc if i don't have a Zusho-no-suke as a partner. and it's impossible to find someone as tall and as built as Zusho-no-suke (not to mention as hot and manly), so i won't waste my time finding him.

of course, i could get my friends together to cosplay Bobobo...but which sane person would want to cosplay as a spiny orange ball or a ten-inch-tall tofu man?

i'll also love to cosplay Marimite, but i love almost all the characters in it! so i can't decide between Sachiko, Shimako, Yumi, Sei and Yoshino. and yes, it's a yuri anime. totally fits me. if i cosplay as crazy yuri seme Sei, i'll have the leeway to grope all the imouto-chans present.

how about Puchiko from Di Gi Charat? i love the random stupidity of that show. even better, i could cosplay as Pyoko, and end all my sentences with pyo-pyo-pyo. and if i'm Pyoko, my brother can join in as one of the doctors in the Black Gema Gema Dan. i mean, since he has a real stethoscope and a doctor's coat...he could give free checkups at cosfest too.

then again, body proportions do not allow me to cosplay as little girls.

i just had a stupid idea. maybe i can borrow one of my brother's hamsters and pass it off as Ebichu, while i pose as Ebichu's 'gochujin-chama'. then there wouldn't be much challenge, since basically there's nothing to being 'gochujin-chama' except act hysterical.

oh well. i give up. and please don't suggest some "maid" character. god knows i've had enough of maids.

Bulletine, Hear ye, Hear ye!

Zer0: thanks for the comment, i'm not saying that beauty and brains have to be inversely proportionate because i know many girls that are both stunningly beautiful and highly intelligent. i'm just saying that the pursuit of beauty and superficial popularity should not consume one's entire life, when time can be spent more meaningfully.

so well, i just got back. guess who won the preliminary judging round?

my BROTHER.

none of the girls came close to him. and indeed, it was a miraculous transformation for my brother, he whose nicknames used to be King Kong, Tubby, Nerd, etc. well, i saw it happen gradually so i dont really see the difference, but for the rest of the extended family, they had trouble recognizing him at first!

he used to be fat. then he decided to do something about it, and thus began his switch to vegetarianism and daily workouts at the gym.

he had LASIK done to correct his vision, so it's bye-bye grandpa glasses.

then he asked me for some style advice. and i took him down to my hairdresser who colored his hair and gave him a snazzy new haircut (he used to have those sad lonely otaku hairstyles). and re-coordinated his wardrobe. and bought him some bling to accessorize.

suddenly, all my female cousins wanted to take pictures with him.

he was unanimously voted the Queen of the May.

er, King.

Ach, Mine Friend Sir Derek Hast Deep, Darke Secrets

this post is for my Windsorians. you know, our Derek, jewel of Windsor's crown, smart, handsome, dependable Derek, he has some really really strange closet fetishes. and apparently, they are cosplaying. not just any cosplay, but Ouran High School Host Club cosplay.

witness, these photographs taken at EOY'06, a cosplay event held last December. click on images to see larger picture.


can you see him? can you see derek, cosplaying as taciturn, stoic Mori-sempai, and doing some kind of 70's moves with his fellow Host Club members?



here, a nice group shot. do you notice how he visibly appears to have acquired a single digit IQ? also, notice their group's Renge-chan? isn't she....just like the anime's Renge?



and finally, the creme de la creme. Derek's darkest secret.

update: it has come to my attention that Derek has not been coming online as often as he used to do. therefore, Windsorians, it must be a sign that there is something afoot here. rally together, my fellow loons, to help our friend out and return him to his original state.

Looketh What Mine Person Drippeth With: Little Girls

today my aunt and her extensive 4-kid family came to visit. of the 4 kids, 2 were girls. one was 11 and the other probably 4 or 5 years old. they were both really vain. they came into my bedroom (which, because of childhoon deprivation, i had decorated into a victorian lady's boudoir) oohing and ahing at my vast collection of shiny trinkets, my dresser full of ladies' stuff like cosmetics, and my vintage victorian vanity table.

the girls tried on my necklaces and bangles, held my earrings up to their ears, swathed themselves in my heavy damask drapes, and pretended they were princesses. i was hoping they wouldn't break anything, or rip a hole in my curtains, but i let them play dress-up. i drew the line when they wanted to try on my makeup, because i knew that my Chanel lippies and Christian Dior eyeshadows were not going to survive. i also drew the line when they wanted to paint my face and make me into their giant living doll.

hoping to distract them from my 'treasures', i showed them my sketchbook and let them draw in it. i lent them my glittery pens and colorful markers, and then went to work on my SEP application. they sat around my piano chair, diligently drawing, and occasionally squabbling over who would get to use the pink glitter pen.

then it was time for dinner, and we were all eating out, so we filed out and into our respective vehicles. dinner was largely uneventful. we returned and again the girls went back to drawing and wrecking my sketchbook. i settled to watch a rerun of Dae Jang Geum, and during one of the commercial breaks my aunt and uncle decided it was time to bring their brood home, so the girls carefully returned my pens and my sketchbook to my desk and went home. i forgot about the sketchbook.

until fifteen minutes ago.

i noticed it on my desk and flipped to see what they had drawn.

page 1: a drawing of Ariel, the little mermaid, who sporting big caberet neon orange hair, a neon green tail and a glittering pink bikini top. her skin was computer paper white. a little eerie, but well-proportioned. younger girl added incoherent scribbles at the bottom, meant to represent the rocks at the ocean bottom.

page 2: a huge mess of scribbles with glittery pens and markers. a big greeting "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!*" and a footnote "*even though it's not your birthday". random doodles of a birthday cake and a stick figure girl exclaiming, "YES!". on closer inspection, there's a little message saying "TO: PIE WEN JIE JIE, SHE MUST: EAT CAKE". i laughed at the misspelling of my name.

page 3: an extremely unflattering portrait of "BEATIFUL PIE WEN JIE JIE", in which i have droopy eyes and a huge smiling mouth. i sport neon pink eyeshadow and purple eyeliner, and blood red blush on my cheeks and nose. hilariously, i have neon pink lips and silver lipliner. again, neon orange hair, and a shirt with a print consisting of neon green circles, blue stripes and neon orange scribbles. i just noticed that the girls traced my eyes with blue sparkly pen, a la Shiseido Maquillage circa 2005.

page 4: a pen drawing of a ballerina with one enormously long arm, and pointe shoes laced all the way to the knee, rather like a roman hooker. below roman hooker ballerina is another ballerina performing a split. she has a thought bubble that says: "I'M DISABED" and has a little doodle of a person in crutches next to it.

page 5: unfinished drawing of a side profile of a woman with impossibly protruding lips applying lipstick, and...strangely enough, salivating at the same time. probably they were drawing this when told to go home, because at the bottom of the page is a little message: "THANK YOU!!" and next to it, a little misshapened smiley face.

for some reason, i feel really proud of them. i think they are going to turn out all right. i mean...the drawing of the "disabed" ballerina, complete with little person in crutches, that's truly the work of a young genius. and anyway, i'm much luckier than my brother. he has to entertain the other 2 boys, and they spent most of the time terrorizing his hamsters.

I Thinketh Random Thoughts

i'm still getting sharp pains in my left hip, but i've decided to go Kahlo-esque and live with the pain.

pain? i've been in pain so long i've forgotten what it felt like before the pain.

nobody really knows how to react when i tell them about the accident, and the constant pain. even now, when my parents ask if i still hurt, i say i'm fine, just close the case already and sue the fellow. i don't really want to go back to physiotherapy because it really really hurts.

but now it seems the pains have gotten much worse, because i haven't been going back to physiotherapy for over a month. maybe i should go back, at least once more. right. i shall book an appointment with simone next week, have my bones cracked a little.

although paul the osteopath was really good-looking, it still disturbs me to have to strip down to my underwear and have to subject myself to his bone-setting, and because of the nature of my injuries he has to touch some really awkward places. so well, i'm glad that part's over and i don't have to see him again.

i'm really tired from work. i hope i get my paycheck soon. i don't really care if i'm not paid overtime, as long as i get some money. then i can hoard it. yup. i'm a hoarder. i still haven't spent the $150 i earned from singing at the YRC. it's still in the same envelope, in the same drawer. i just like to take it out and look at the crisp notes.

penpals...i wonder how Matt's doing? he was my penpal back in 2001, we wrote to each other religiously for over a year, then he went into the US Marines and went to Iraq, so i don't know if he still exists any more. i quite liked him; we were both kind of dorky, and he's a total nerd who's homeschooled and sort-of redneck. but he's pretty intelligent. so i hope he's okay and still alive.

my godmother still writes to her penpal, who's in new zealand, and they've been writing to each other for over 30 years. and they are really the traditional kind of penpals too, as in, they still use snailmail (yeah, when i say penpal i really mean email-pal), handwrite their letters, include recipes, children's photos and all that sentimental emotional things. it's really sweet. my mother said she used to have a penpal back in her teens, a wheelchair-bound british girl, but she grew tired of writing and they lost contact.

i still think of Stascia. i guess i really liked her. i haven't been to rehearsals for a long time. but i think that when i return to the stage, with him around, all thoughts of all others would disappear, and once again his genius would drown out all other sounds, around me, and in my heart.

I Squisheth Mine Pimple

it had been festering for a long time. almost two weeks. it had grown so big it resembled a wart. today, i noticed it was beginning to turn green.

ah hah! i thought. time to finally squeeze it out.

i pressed down with two fingers. come on, i urged the bump. come to mama.

but it wouldn't budge. the stupid head remained hidden inside. i tried again, squeezing with more force.

pop! i felt the bump give way, and bright green ooze suddenly squirted out in a little blob.

hurrah! i cheered to myself. now i've broken through the first barrier. now to squeeze out the hard lump inside.

i squeezed down hard with two fingers. it felt like a firm little ball. then, SQUISH when the pimple, and warm green pus mixed with blood came shooting out and spattering across my hand.

ugh, gross. i got a tissue and wiped the mess from my hand. then i looked up to the mirror, and saw a rivulet of dark red blood running out of the pimple.

argh. the stupid head is still inside the pimple, but now it won't stop bleeding.

i guess i'll try again another day.

Lilith

heh, thanks dhan for introducing the super-addictive hero machine! here's my rendition of Lilith, who's the real, original Woman made by God. because she never had original sin and never ate the apple, she doesn't care about 'modesty' thus yippee, exhibitionist!

i really like her. she's a real woman who knows what she wants.

Dei

The Bahá'í Faith's teaching is that men and women are, and always have been, equal to the sight of God. Bahá'u'lláh, the founder of the Bahá'í Faith, has written:

"In this Day the Hand of divine grace hath removed all distinctions. The servants of God and His handmaidens are regarded on the same plane. Blessed is the servant who hath attained unto that which God hath decreed, and likewise the leaf moving in accordance with the breezes of His will."

Bahá'u'lláh, further writes that spiritual station of each person depends on their devotion to God, and that women who have a higher devotion excel over men:

"By My Life! The names of handmaidens who are devoted to God are written and set down by the Pen of the Most High in the Crimson Book. They excel over men in the sight of God. How numerous are the heroes and knights in the field who are bereft of the True One and have no share in His recognition, but thou hast attained and received thy fill."

"The sixth principle or teaching of Bahá'u'lláh concerns the equality of man and woman. He has declared that in the estimation of God there is no distinction of sex. The one whose heart is most pure, whose deeds and service in the Cause of God are greater and nobler, is most acceptable before the divine threshold -- whether male or female."

"Know thou, O handmaid, that in the sight of Bahá, women are accounted the same as men, and God hath created all humankind in His own image, and after His own likeness. That is, men and women alike are the revealers of His names and attributes, and from the spiritual viewpoint there is no difference between them. Whosoever draweth nearer to God, that one is the most favoured, whether man or woman. How many a handmaid, ardent and devoted, hath, within the sheltering shade of Bahá, proved superior to the men, and surpassed the famous of the earth."

"Divine Justice demands that the rights of both sexes should be equally respected since neither is superior to the other in the eyes of Heaven. Dignity before God depends, not on sex, but on purity and luminosity of heart. Human virtues belong equally to all!"

"Woman must endeavour then to attain greater perfection, to be man's equal in every respect, to make progress in all in which she has been backward, so that man will be compelled to acknowledge her equality of capacity and attainment."

yup, this is perhaps the only monotheistic religion that makes sense to me. maybe i should convert.

I Screameth

am i only second best? am i only second best?

am i only secondary?

i guess i must be. because i'm nobody's number one. because i don't try to be anybody's number one. that's why i'm always only second best.

it's sad, i know, but i'm used to it. after all, what do i expect? i can't be at the top of your mind all the time. because all of you have somebody more special.

like, i'm at the top of my mind all the time, because since i'm special to no one, i'm the most special to myself, and everyone else is second best.

nyeh nyeh nyeh.

Meme Memeth

TYPE P

You scored 83 imagination, 62 confidence, 50 dominance, and 54 generosity!

You are a KINKY, CONFIDENT, DOMINANT lover who prefers to give.

This means that:

You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring.

You are pretty confident in bed. This means that you know you can please your lover. Maybe you've read a lot of sex manuals, or have the experience from previous lovers, or just tend to be skilled at whatever you get your hands on, but you're good and you know it. You can really get results and know that you have pure talent, so you won't be hiding away shy, pretending to be all innocent. Your partners love your naughty self assurance, you don't hesitate and this makes you a sensational lover.

You tend to be dominant in bed, so you prefer to be the one giving the orders than taking them. Maybe you like the power, or just like controlling the pace, perhaps your partner likes to be dominanted, or maybe you get a kick out of the whole master/slave relationship, it could be something as small as liking to be on top during sex and tie up your lover to tease them, or it could be as kinky as them having to ask your permission to do anything at all. Either way, you are firm and you enjoy it!

You prefer to give than recieve. This makes you a very unselfish lover, devoted to the needs of your partner rather than your own. You get your pleasure from seeing them get theirs, you are a model sex partner. I'm sure plenty of people would love to have someone like you in bed with them! Remember though that if your partner gets pleasure from returning the favour it's okay to let them, they might love giving as much as you do!

WE SUGGEST YOU:
get into some slightly more hardcore fantasy territory. Go for bondage in a not so light and fluffy way and discover just what you really like. Want to play master/slave games? Want to be tied up or tie someone up, in just enough discomfort that they don't quite relax? Want to try a threesome? Maybe you'd even like to try out sado-masochism. It's your call. Whatever you do, unleash that kinky thing you've always really wanted to try and give it a go, you're a great lover, and you know it, up for anything, generous, imaginative, confident, and happy to go for what you want, so enjoy.



My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

	You scored higher than 99% on imagination
	You scored higher than 99% on confidence
	You scored higher than 99% on dominance
	You scored higher than 99% on generosity

Link: The What's your sexual style? Test written by lu-mina on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Bitch, In Praiseth of Difficulte Woman

as i see my friends wave goodbye to me, and then join their girlfriends/boyfriends, it makes me feel left out. maybe i should get a boyfriend or a girlfriend too. in fact, most people are surprised to find out that i'm actually single. that's because i'm picky.

but do i have the right to be picky? should i just settle for what i can get?

but can anybody who is anybody have an inkling of what they might get, if they were to be my boyfriend?

my personal anthem is "I'm A Bitch", and it has been since it came out when i was 17, because no other song has come as close as this to describing my personality.

i'm a bitch, i'm a mother
i'm a child, i'm a lover
i'm a sinner, i'm a saint
i do not feel ashamed
i'm your hell, i'm your dream
i'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

it's so true. there are times i just want to dominate and feel superior, to take over and take care of lesser beings, and yet there are times i'm so tired i just want to curl up into a ball and be taken care of. i do things that i'm not proud of, yet i try my best to be a good person, and really i don't give a damn what others think. people are always saying i'd be a wonderful wife and partner because i can do so many things most other girls my age can't, and while it's true that i can be a dream come true, i can turn the other way around and fuck you right up the ass if i'm not happy. i swing between extremes and there's no such thing as moderation in my vocabulary.

and you know you wouldn't want it any other way, because if you really love me, not simply for my face, or my abilities, or my intelligence, you would love the way i behave. life with me is going to be one long journey, and the ride won't be smooth. nothing that's mediocre would satisfy me, and yet, it is ultimately myself who decides your level of mediocrity. you can be the prince of a southern kingdom and have a face that's carved by angels, but i might find you sorely lacking. similarly, if you look like you've been hit by a truck and have nothing to your name, i might find that you're the person i've been looking for all my life.

so take me as i am
this may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
rest assured that when i
start to make you nervous
and i'm going to extremes
tomorrow i would change
and today won't mean a thing

this also explains why i change so much from day to day. and also why some people say that talking to me is like talking to a few people at the same time. i can't stick to one mood long enough to last the hour. one part of me wants to crack stupid jokes, and one part of me just wants to go home and cry like a little girl. and one part of me just wants to reach out and smack you till your teeth bleed.

i'm a bitch, i'm a tease
i'm a goddess on my knees
when you're hurt, when you suffer
i'm your angel undercover

and yet, i can't bear to see my friends unhappy, because it makes me unhappy too. i like to always see them laughing and confident, untroubled and sorrow-free. and yet i might resort to underhanded means to make them happy, like setting fire to their nemesis' underwear while it's still on their asses. then i'll feel good that the baddies have burnt asses, and also feel bad that they can't sit for weeks.

but you know you wouldn't want me any other way, would you?

Thou Forceth Mine Hand

okay my adoring fans, er, fan, Big Sister Peipei will now attempt to write an uninspired, unmotivated and yet meaningful post.

where shall i start? right, let's start with The King and the Clown (2005). i watched it 5 times because i still cannot accept the fact that Gong-gil (Lee Joon Ki) is prettier than any average female. even though he has a man's body, his fair skin, high and sharp nose and rosebud lips is enough to make even the most hard-hearted female a.k.a me want to alternately scratch his face or put makeup on and play dress up.

so i told my mother today that i wanted a boyfriend (meaning human pet) like Gong-gil, and she said, "ee, why you want someone so sissy?"

me: "so i can take care of him and feel stronger and more superior. he must be as pretty as Gong-gil though, or else i wouldn't want him. besides, i can dress him up as a girl and pretend we're sisters, so fun!"

mom: "don't be crazy. what if he falls in love with your brother instead?"

me: "i'm sure he wouldn't steal my pet."

mom: "even worse, what if he falls for your father?"

sometimes, even though we look so similar and think alike, i think my mother resides in another plane and dimension.

anyway i found out today that yuta, the japanese exchange student in my TS practical group, has a twin brother! ooooh twins are so cute!! especially identical twins. sometimes i think i have a twin sibling, although my mother swears i don't. it's just that i feel like two persons in one body, although some people have assured me that no, i don't have two persons in one body, but at least five or more.

anyway i want to have twin sons. not twin daughters, because i know that bitch fights are harder to resolve than boy fights. so let's put my list as:

1. a pretty boy human pet
2. twin sons
3. angelina jolie
4. to be the next sarah brightman, minus scary hair and mad face

okay i really can't think of what other pseudo intelligent stuff to write about.

And Now Thou'rt One

relationships are a funny thing. when i was younger my mom always warned me not to get into romantic relationships too early, cos i wasn't old enough, i had to concentrate on my studies etc etc blah blah blah knick-knick paddy whack. now she's so worried i can't get a boyfriend, cos i'm too unladylike and whatnot.

when i told her that a lady friend of mine wanted to introduce me to a 34-year-old doctor not knowing i was 19 and not 23 like she thought, my mom said, "why not? go for it, a doctor's a good profession and makes a lot of money. who cares how he looks as long as he listens to you and gives you his money?"

can you believe that?

i look around me and almost everyone i know are attached. my best friends are attached, my little cousin is attached, classmates are attached. those who aren't attached have had a previous relationship or two. well, at least my brother isn't attached.

my dad said to me a few days ago, "well, you're a university girl now. all you need to do is to pass your 4 years well, find a rich man and marry him, and mission accomplished."

DAD!!!!!! HAVE YOU SO LITTLE AMBITION FOR YOUR DAUGHTER?!?!?!?!

see i have weird parents. i hope they are joking though, but that's unlikely.

i like a man when i like a man. not for his looks or his money but for what he is as a whole. so you'd hardly hear me say, "i like him because he has such beautiful eyes." cos that's bullshit. how can you like a person simply on the basis that he has attractive ocular organs?

Ach, Ancient Maide

i think that there's a very possible chance of me ending up a spinster cat-lady.

i don't like to have to depend on another person. i don't like to have another person feel obliged to take care of me because i've got a weak constitution and a broken body. that's one reason.

i'm sure no one would like to always have to consider my myriad of allergies, illnesses and have to slow down in order to accomodate to my limping when i walk too much. i think that's why my mom was particularly perplexed over my condition after the accident. she probably thinks that my "value" in the "marriage market" has depleted drastically. whatever! but then again she could be right, so i have to start preparing for spinsterhood. that's two.

i can be brutally rude and honest when i want to, so i don't really blame the guys who get put off by my behaviour. however i believe that humans have a right as to how they behave, so it's up to me to spout swear words and up to them to get offended. just because i'm a girl doesn't mean that i have to giggle with my hand over my mouth or replace certain terms with euphemisms. but i'm not grudging any girl who acts like a lady. in fact i do admire those girls who behave with grace and poise, and at the same time are truly honorable ladies within. like Ellen O'hara and Melanie Wilkes in Gone With the Wind. and the real life examples i meet with.

i'm losing the point of my argument.

oh yeah, it was about spinsterhood.

anyway let me digress a bit cos another idea has just entered my head.

i don't understand why whenever i tell people that i'm closest to my brother, they go "eee incest!" cos that's just stupid. i never said i was sexually attracted to my brother and i'd rather stick my face into rotting army rations than be sexually attracted to him. but it's because we're made up of the same ingredients that makes us genetically linked at the most primal state. the same blood run in our veins and identify ourselves as siblings. is there a written rule for brothers and sisters not to get along?

that's why in many ways, i look for similar qualities that my brother has in other men around me. and i tend to like those people more. i don't profess to say that my brother is a saint but he has many traits to be proud of. he is gentlemanly and helpful, respects women and treats them as equals, intelligent and witty, and yet humble and understanding. unlike me, he doesn't swear as profusely, and in times of crisis he is usually calm and collected. unfortunately he inherited my father's weird mood swings, although to a much lesser degree. i can talk to him for hours until my mom comes in to scream at us to go to bed before the sun rises.

in fact, if i tell another boy that he is like my brother, it's one of the highest compliments i can ever give to another. i measure other men with my brother as the yardstick, not because he is the ultimate standard, but because he is the person i am closest to, most proud of and the one i trust the most. he might eat my breakfast, my coveted store of chocopies and cookies and he might have some strange habits, but he is after all my brother.

okay.

and the final reason why i might end up a spinster cat-lady is because i am socially retarded and have never had much experience in matters concerning the other gender.

I Pledgeth Mine Eternal Gratitude

just got back from USP camp. it was the first camp i've ever been to since OBS, which i still rank as the worst 5 days of my life. i think my team Windsor (Whee-ndsor! God Save the Queen! Yi ba aninei anina ba!) was the bunch of the coolest and funniest people i've ever met. and i like it that the activities weren't too strenuous and they were more puzzle-type (not including the gross-shit-buffet-fish-a-mentos-out-of-hepatitis-B-breeding-ground) which i like. and lots of thanks and eternal gratitude to derek, alexius, aik heng and jack for their help in carrying my brick-filled bags and their constant moral and physical support along the way, to joshua for accepting my criticism of nu-metal so gracefully, to weizhen for being the funniest bumbling murderer-lackey, to the gorgeous ladies who can squeeze into a single bed without causing any casualties and putting up with my continued nonsense, to the OGLs without whom we would just be a bunch of clueless freshies, to laremy for his cute little boy-ness and the awesome scooter ride on his cute scooter and to veera for being a great secret pal.

ok now the oscar's taken and the speech's over.

Beauty in Thy Eyen Two

i am aware that i am not ugly; in fact i am reasonably pretty if i make the effort to comb my hair, slap some makeup on and actually get out and act like a normal sociable human being. i'm not fat and i'm of average height, not terribly short or anything, and i don't have weird odors.

but i lack the "beautiful" attitude. i'm sure that even if i'm decked out in a fantastic donna karan creation and had a devastating sillouhette, had my face and hair done by shu uemura and frederick fekkai themselves respectively and wore ridiculous amounts of diamonds, nobody would give me a second look. i've a very quiet aura that makes me blend into the surroundings. my presence is of little impression.

some girls who arent blessed with half my looks, but with that "beautiful" attitude, can make heads turn just by walking into the room. what i mean by "beautiful" attitude is that they believe themselves to be beautiful and attractive, and that belief is so strong that others believe it too. they are marvelously confident, never mind they are at least 20 kg overweight, had dandruff or crooked teeth.

don't get me wrong, i'm not one of those poor saps with no self-esteem. in fact i'm very pleased with myself, and my mother is always saying that i must have a bruise on my back from patting myself so much. but i've very little faith in my appearance. i just take it as it is, average, not ugly, but not stunningly beautiful. it's not much to fall back on. i learnt that at a very young age, so i try to cover it up by acquiring many talents, literary, artistic and musical. i don't consider myself very smart, because my brother's golden wake leaves everything that's behind dull and stupid. but i think i'm better off than most, so i shouldn't complain too much.

of course, there's another race of women who are so beautiful that they aren't aware of it. it radiates out of them and captures the attention of all around them but themselves. my best friend is one such woman. i've always wondered how they coped with so much beauty.

I Snippeth, I Bleacheth

so i had a new haircut, and dyed it brown with dark blonde highlights. it's one of the best hair changes i've ever had, really and truly. Jaclyn is the best stylist ever!!!

here's a picture for you to orgasm over:


p.s. i can't help it that i have yellow lighting in my room.

Dreameth Thee, Dreameth Thou

when your heart is breaking, it feels like a tight, unbearable pain in your chest. you feel like you can't breathe properly, because of the tightness. it grows worse by the moment, and no matter how much you cry, the pain doesn't dissolve. it weighs you down like a lead pincer, and you don't know when you'll ever feel the same again.

it's funny how i experience such emotions in my dreams, and how real they are. i've dreamt about fear, about sex and about loss, but only recently have i started dreaming about love and heartbreak. these emotions i've never experienced before in my waking life.

last night i dreamt that the man i loved was going to marry one of my sisters. we dated for a while and then broke up, but i never really got over him. we became friends, and then he started dating my second sister, who was the shy, sweet one. it was really painful seeing the two of them so happy and absorbed with each other, especially my sister, because i knew that she loved him too and i really wanted her to be happy.

but what hurt me most was that i knew that he would be gone from me forever.

the pain in my chest was terrible. it was so heavy and tight, and as it drew nearer to the wedding it felt like i would explode. i was in fact hoping to explode because then i wouldn't be able to feel anything, but of course it was impossible. i thought every moment was the worst i could endure, but was proven wrong in the next. i couldn't tell anyone, not my family nor my friends, and no one understood. they knew i was heartbroken over somebody, but no one suspected it was my sister's husband-to-be, for it would shock them and most likely break my sister's heart too. i couldn't bear to let her feel the same pain as i did, and even so there was nothing to gain. he would still love her, for i was nothing in his eyes anymore.

i couldn't look at him at the wedding, but how i prayed he would look at me. how i hoped beyond hope that the wedding wouldn't go through, how i hoped that everything wasn't actually happening. i could see my sister, looking so happy, so unspeakably happy and beautiful in her wedding gown, and i hated myself for hoping the wedding would fall through. then the two of them, up at the altar, while the minister was giving his service, i couldn't take it anymore and ran out of the hall.

i ran up to the rooftop and cried, but instead of loosening the pain, each sob brought on more and more weight to my heart. my parents and my brother, who were running after me, had no idea what to do, because they never knew what was in my heart. they told me to come back to the wedding, that they were going to exchange their vows.

then i knew i had to see them do it. it would kill me, and rip my heart up and bleed me of all my life, but at least it was over and done with. perhaps, perhaps i might even heal again. when all the hope is gone, the pain would go too, because without hope, the heart is dead and unfeeling. i ran down, ran with all my might down back to the wedding, but it looked like it was too late. everyone was already toasting each other in the lobby, commenting on how long the service were. i ran into the hall, and saw my sister and my love standing hand-in-hand at the altar, looking into each other's eyes.

then suddenly the weight was gone from my chest. because i woke up and realised, alas, it was all but a dream.

it's funny, but i don't have any sister, let alone the five sisters i had in that dream. i've never been in love with anyone, and the man in my dream was someone i've never met before. in fact, most of the men i dream about to be my husbands or lovers or boyfriends are men i've never seen before. they always look different and are very different people, never once the same person, except for my Angel Raphael person, whom i've dreamt about perhaps twice. a few nights ago i dreamt about the man i would experience true love with. no, actually i was dreaming about the emotion of love, because i can't remember how that man looked like, but i know the feeling.

it's a tender feeling, very trusting and gentle. it's not hot raging passions, nor a burning ache in the heart, but a warm, soothing emotion that falls about you like a comfortable, familiar blanket. when we kiss, i actually yearn for more. i'm jaded to kisses. i think it's pretty disgusting, thanks to the bad kissing experiences i've had. so in this dream, the kisses were so sweet and so satisfying, but yet not cloying that it makes me satiated. i could picture myself making love to him, and not get that queer feeling of revulsion i usually get whenever i picture myself having sex with anyone. it's true. i might feel horny and very attracted to somebody, but when i imagine having sex with him, a small voice in my head tells me it's disgusting and worthless. but not in this dream, with this man.

unfortunately, for some reason the dream changed, and i won't go into detail because it's off-topic. dreams teach us a lot of things and allows us to experience emotions we've never felt before, perhaps to ready us for the actual thing in our waking lives. perhaps we do live two lives, a waking, conscious life and a sleeping, subconscious life. our subconscious psyche is perhaps more mature than our conscious one, because when we are awake, we do things, while when we sleep, we think things, thus allowing our subconscious psyche to be able to mature emotionally and psychologically faster than our conscious psyche.

but that's another mystery yet to be solved.

Ach, Upon Thy Maidenhead!

virginity is overrated. it's an old-fashioned notion, most likely created by chauvinistic patriarchal sonuvabitches to feed their ego that all women should be chaste to them and them alone. even that thing about muslim martyrs, that when they die they get 40 virgins to serve them in their afterlife. whatabout female martyrs? do they get 40 virgin men to serve them in their afterlives?

someone told me that she considers her virginity her most precious part, that she won't surrender it until her wedding night. well to her credit i'm sure she'd hold still to that bargain, but your virginity ain't your most precious part. it's your heart and your mind, and most importantly your trust. sex is just sex. mere fucking. it feels good (well, sometimes), makes babies and kills time when time needs killing. granted, sex is better when love is involved, but sex as an act doesn't say much. i wouldn't consider the contact of two sexual organs as the giving up of your most precious part.

your body is material (same goes for your hymen) but your thoughts, your personality and all those abstract things that make you, you, they are immaterial. i'd rather give up my body than my heart. sex is merely a physical act, as i've said before. some people regard sex as the physical embodiment of giving in and receiving, of trusting and accepting trust. that's what they call meaningful sex. but there's also meaningless sex, where sex is simply a physical act, like exercising or masturbation, for the achievement of physical pleasure, nothing else. i have nothing against meaningful or meaningless sex. in fact, i'm rooting for team sex.

i'm not saying i'm a nymphoniac. i'm still a virgin after all. a physical virgin, and a mental/emotional one too. i've just not found the desire or the person with whom i want to have sex with. i'm sure i can easily find myself a sex partner, but i'm just not interested. besides i have ridiculously high standards, and the only person whom i can overlook these standards is myself. lesser males disgust me. especially lesser males who mistakenly believe they are alphas.

anyway back to the topic on virginity. in the olden days people associate virginity with purity and chastity and all those religious conservative nonsense. once you've had sex, you're unclean! you're a slut! you have to marry the rake who ravished you or face eternal condemnation from society! even if you're married, sex isn't meant for enjoyment! sex is for making babies! the only right way for having sex is the missionary position! if you're riding the man, you're the devil! it's these reasons that have shaped up the misguided notion about sex. if sex isn't meant for pleasure, then why the hell are we allowed to get orgasms? our nerve endings are there for a reason, innit? the kama sutra, written oh-so-long ago, has specified so many ways to screw, other than the missionary, so does that mean that all the women there are unholy bitches?

but i digress.

i suppose the main reason why sex is frowned upon as a taboo as due to the whole adam and eve fiasco. but if they didn't have sex, then there wouldn't be people in the world! we should thank them for discovering the use of their parts. then there's confucius in china who's one of the biggest asian chauvinistic bastards with his nonsense that women are beneath men. a bride's worth is in the state of her hymen?

of course, many people have abandoned the virginity issue, especially in liberal, developed countries. but here, where society is still strictly confucian chinese, islamic malay and um...hinduic indian (?) virginity is still looked upon as the symbol of one's chastity and purity. virginity is almost everything. hell you can't wear a tampon for fear of breaking the stupid hymen. you can't finger yourself. the first time you have sex on your wedding night it's supposed to be painful and you must bleed a lot. that way you reassure your husband that his tiny wiener is a huge monster dick.

some people think that losing one's virginity means the hymen is broken, not necessarily by sex but by other means such as horseriding or gymnastics. others classify it as strictly penile-vaginal penetration. i used to believe in the latter, but now i refuse to classify it as such. i have not figured out where to classify it, but now i refuse to call myself a virgin. i am simply a person who has not had sex. neither have i given my heart or mind or trust, but i think that such important aspects of one's being shouldn't be associated to that disgusting, purely physical term of "virgin".

charlene had so charmingly said, "i think virginity is overrated. these days, you can even fake it!"