Dreameth Thee, Dreameth Thou

when your heart is breaking, it feels like a tight, unbearable pain in your chest. you feel like you can't breathe properly, because of the tightness. it grows worse by the moment, and no matter how much you cry, the pain doesn't dissolve. it weighs you down like a lead pincer, and you don't know when you'll ever feel the same again.

it's funny how i experience such emotions in my dreams, and how real they are. i've dreamt about fear, about sex and about loss, but only recently have i started dreaming about love and heartbreak. these emotions i've never experienced before in my waking life.

last night i dreamt that the man i loved was going to marry one of my sisters. we dated for a while and then broke up, but i never really got over him. we became friends, and then he started dating my second sister, who was the shy, sweet one. it was really painful seeing the two of them so happy and absorbed with each other, especially my sister, because i knew that she loved him too and i really wanted her to be happy.

but what hurt me most was that i knew that he would be gone from me forever.

the pain in my chest was terrible. it was so heavy and tight, and as it drew nearer to the wedding it felt like i would explode. i was in fact hoping to explode because then i wouldn't be able to feel anything, but of course it was impossible. i thought every moment was the worst i could endure, but was proven wrong in the next. i couldn't tell anyone, not my family nor my friends, and no one understood. they knew i was heartbroken over somebody, but no one suspected it was my sister's husband-to-be, for it would shock them and most likely break my sister's heart too. i couldn't bear to let her feel the same pain as i did, and even so there was nothing to gain. he would still love her, for i was nothing in his eyes anymore.

i couldn't look at him at the wedding, but how i prayed he would look at me. how i hoped beyond hope that the wedding wouldn't go through, how i hoped that everything wasn't actually happening. i could see my sister, looking so happy, so unspeakably happy and beautiful in her wedding gown, and i hated myself for hoping the wedding would fall through. then the two of them, up at the altar, while the minister was giving his service, i couldn't take it anymore and ran out of the hall.

i ran up to the rooftop and cried, but instead of loosening the pain, each sob brought on more and more weight to my heart. my parents and my brother, who were running after me, had no idea what to do, because they never knew what was in my heart. they told me to come back to the wedding, that they were going to exchange their vows.

then i knew i had to see them do it. it would kill me, and rip my heart up and bleed me of all my life, but at least it was over and done with. perhaps, perhaps i might even heal again. when all the hope is gone, the pain would go too, because without hope, the heart is dead and unfeeling. i ran down, ran with all my might down back to the wedding, but it looked like it was too late. everyone was already toasting each other in the lobby, commenting on how long the service were. i ran into the hall, and saw my sister and my love standing hand-in-hand at the altar, looking into each other's eyes.

then suddenly the weight was gone from my chest. because i woke up and realised, alas, it was all but a dream.

it's funny, but i don't have any sister, let alone the five sisters i had in that dream. i've never been in love with anyone, and the man in my dream was someone i've never met before. in fact, most of the men i dream about to be my husbands or lovers or boyfriends are men i've never seen before. they always look different and are very different people, never once the same person, except for my Angel Raphael person, whom i've dreamt about perhaps twice. a few nights ago i dreamt about the man i would experience true love with. no, actually i was dreaming about the emotion of love, because i can't remember how that man looked like, but i know the feeling.

it's a tender feeling, very trusting and gentle. it's not hot raging passions, nor a burning ache in the heart, but a warm, soothing emotion that falls about you like a comfortable, familiar blanket. when we kiss, i actually yearn for more. i'm jaded to kisses. i think it's pretty disgusting, thanks to the bad kissing experiences i've had. so in this dream, the kisses were so sweet and so satisfying, but yet not cloying that it makes me satiated. i could picture myself making love to him, and not get that queer feeling of revulsion i usually get whenever i picture myself having sex with anyone. it's true. i might feel horny and very attracted to somebody, but when i imagine having sex with him, a small voice in my head tells me it's disgusting and worthless. but not in this dream, with this man.

unfortunately, for some reason the dream changed, and i won't go into detail because it's off-topic. dreams teach us a lot of things and allows us to experience emotions we've never felt before, perhaps to ready us for the actual thing in our waking lives. perhaps we do live two lives, a waking, conscious life and a sleeping, subconscious life. our subconscious psyche is perhaps more mature than our conscious one, because when we are awake, we do things, while when we sleep, we think things, thus allowing our subconscious psyche to be able to mature emotionally and psychologically faster than our conscious psyche.

but that's another mystery yet to be solved.