Dreameth Thee, Dreameth Thou

when your heart is breaking, it feels like a tight, unbearable pain in your chest. you feel like you can't breathe properly, because of the tightness. it grows worse by the moment, and no matter how much you cry, the pain doesn't dissolve. it weighs you down like a lead pincer, and you don't know when you'll ever feel the same again.

it's funny how i experience such emotions in my dreams, and how real they are. i've dreamt about fear, about sex and about loss, but only recently have i started dreaming about love and heartbreak. these emotions i've never experienced before in my waking life.

last night i dreamt that the man i loved was going to marry one of my sisters. we dated for a while and then broke up, but i never really got over him. we became friends, and then he started dating my second sister, who was the shy, sweet one. it was really painful seeing the two of them so happy and absorbed with each other, especially my sister, because i knew that she loved him too and i really wanted her to be happy.

but what hurt me most was that i knew that he would be gone from me forever.

the pain in my chest was terrible. it was so heavy and tight, and as it drew nearer to the wedding it felt like i would explode. i was in fact hoping to explode because then i wouldn't be able to feel anything, but of course it was impossible. i thought every moment was the worst i could endure, but was proven wrong in the next. i couldn't tell anyone, not my family nor my friends, and no one understood. they knew i was heartbroken over somebody, but no one suspected it was my sister's husband-to-be, for it would shock them and most likely break my sister's heart too. i couldn't bear to let her feel the same pain as i did, and even so there was nothing to gain. he would still love her, for i was nothing in his eyes anymore.

i couldn't look at him at the wedding, but how i prayed he would look at me. how i hoped beyond hope that the wedding wouldn't go through, how i hoped that everything wasn't actually happening. i could see my sister, looking so happy, so unspeakably happy and beautiful in her wedding gown, and i hated myself for hoping the wedding would fall through. then the two of them, up at the altar, while the minister was giving his service, i couldn't take it anymore and ran out of the hall.

i ran up to the rooftop and cried, but instead of loosening the pain, each sob brought on more and more weight to my heart. my parents and my brother, who were running after me, had no idea what to do, because they never knew what was in my heart. they told me to come back to the wedding, that they were going to exchange their vows.

then i knew i had to see them do it. it would kill me, and rip my heart up and bleed me of all my life, but at least it was over and done with. perhaps, perhaps i might even heal again. when all the hope is gone, the pain would go too, because without hope, the heart is dead and unfeeling. i ran down, ran with all my might down back to the wedding, but it looked like it was too late. everyone was already toasting each other in the lobby, commenting on how long the service were. i ran into the hall, and saw my sister and my love standing hand-in-hand at the altar, looking into each other's eyes.

then suddenly the weight was gone from my chest. because i woke up and realised, alas, it was all but a dream.

it's funny, but i don't have any sister, let alone the five sisters i had in that dream. i've never been in love with anyone, and the man in my dream was someone i've never met before. in fact, most of the men i dream about to be my husbands or lovers or boyfriends are men i've never seen before. they always look different and are very different people, never once the same person, except for my Angel Raphael person, whom i've dreamt about perhaps twice. a few nights ago i dreamt about the man i would experience true love with. no, actually i was dreaming about the emotion of love, because i can't remember how that man looked like, but i know the feeling.

it's a tender feeling, very trusting and gentle. it's not hot raging passions, nor a burning ache in the heart, but a warm, soothing emotion that falls about you like a comfortable, familiar blanket. when we kiss, i actually yearn for more. i'm jaded to kisses. i think it's pretty disgusting, thanks to the bad kissing experiences i've had. so in this dream, the kisses were so sweet and so satisfying, but yet not cloying that it makes me satiated. i could picture myself making love to him, and not get that queer feeling of revulsion i usually get whenever i picture myself having sex with anyone. it's true. i might feel horny and very attracted to somebody, but when i imagine having sex with him, a small voice in my head tells me it's disgusting and worthless. but not in this dream, with this man.

unfortunately, for some reason the dream changed, and i won't go into detail because it's off-topic. dreams teach us a lot of things and allows us to experience emotions we've never felt before, perhaps to ready us for the actual thing in our waking lives. perhaps we do live two lives, a waking, conscious life and a sleeping, subconscious life. our subconscious psyche is perhaps more mature than our conscious one, because when we are awake, we do things, while when we sleep, we think things, thus allowing our subconscious psyche to be able to mature emotionally and psychologically faster than our conscious psyche.

but that's another mystery yet to be solved.

Ach, Upon Thy Maidenhead!

virginity is overrated. it's an old-fashioned notion, most likely created by chauvinistic patriarchal sonuvabitches to feed their ego that all women should be chaste to them and them alone. even that thing about muslim martyrs, that when they die they get 40 virgins to serve them in their afterlife. whatabout female martyrs? do they get 40 virgin men to serve them in their afterlives?

someone told me that she considers her virginity her most precious part, that she won't surrender it until her wedding night. well to her credit i'm sure she'd hold still to that bargain, but your virginity ain't your most precious part. it's your heart and your mind, and most importantly your trust. sex is just sex. mere fucking. it feels good (well, sometimes), makes babies and kills time when time needs killing. granted, sex is better when love is involved, but sex as an act doesn't say much. i wouldn't consider the contact of two sexual organs as the giving up of your most precious part.

your body is material (same goes for your hymen) but your thoughts, your personality and all those abstract things that make you, you, they are immaterial. i'd rather give up my body than my heart. sex is merely a physical act, as i've said before. some people regard sex as the physical embodiment of giving in and receiving, of trusting and accepting trust. that's what they call meaningful sex. but there's also meaningless sex, where sex is simply a physical act, like exercising or masturbation, for the achievement of physical pleasure, nothing else. i have nothing against meaningful or meaningless sex. in fact, i'm rooting for team sex.

i'm not saying i'm a nymphoniac. i'm still a virgin after all. a physical virgin, and a mental/emotional one too. i've just not found the desire or the person with whom i want to have sex with. i'm sure i can easily find myself a sex partner, but i'm just not interested. besides i have ridiculously high standards, and the only person whom i can overlook these standards is myself. lesser males disgust me. especially lesser males who mistakenly believe they are alphas.

anyway back to the topic on virginity. in the olden days people associate virginity with purity and chastity and all those religious conservative nonsense. once you've had sex, you're unclean! you're a slut! you have to marry the rake who ravished you or face eternal condemnation from society! even if you're married, sex isn't meant for enjoyment! sex is for making babies! the only right way for having sex is the missionary position! if you're riding the man, you're the devil! it's these reasons that have shaped up the misguided notion about sex. if sex isn't meant for pleasure, then why the hell are we allowed to get orgasms? our nerve endings are there for a reason, innit? the kama sutra, written oh-so-long ago, has specified so many ways to screw, other than the missionary, so does that mean that all the women there are unholy bitches?

but i digress.

i suppose the main reason why sex is frowned upon as a taboo as due to the whole adam and eve fiasco. but if they didn't have sex, then there wouldn't be people in the world! we should thank them for discovering the use of their parts. then there's confucius in china who's one of the biggest asian chauvinistic bastards with his nonsense that women are beneath men. a bride's worth is in the state of her hymen?

of course, many people have abandoned the virginity issue, especially in liberal, developed countries. but here, where society is still strictly confucian chinese, islamic malay and um...hinduic indian (?) virginity is still looked upon as the symbol of one's chastity and purity. virginity is almost everything. hell you can't wear a tampon for fear of breaking the stupid hymen. you can't finger yourself. the first time you have sex on your wedding night it's supposed to be painful and you must bleed a lot. that way you reassure your husband that his tiny wiener is a huge monster dick.

some people think that losing one's virginity means the hymen is broken, not necessarily by sex but by other means such as horseriding or gymnastics. others classify it as strictly penile-vaginal penetration. i used to believe in the latter, but now i refuse to classify it as such. i have not figured out where to classify it, but now i refuse to call myself a virgin. i am simply a person who has not had sex. neither have i given my heart or mind or trust, but i think that such important aspects of one's being shouldn't be associated to that disgusting, purely physical term of "virgin".

charlene had so charmingly said, "i think virginity is overrated. these days, you can even fake it!"

Und es ward Licht!

ever since i was 12 years old, i had been trawling internet chatrooms, trying to find my soulmate. i thought, since i can't possibly fly all over the world, maybe i can access to people from other countries through the internet!

well it's been 7 years, and my mindset has changed considerably. true, i've met many wonderful people through the net and through chatrooms, but they aren't what i'm looking for in a partner. it's taken me all this time for me to realize that the kind of people i've been looking for aren't the type to waste their time sitting on their asses chatting on the internet.

university is going to open in two months' time, and i'm looking forward to it. finally i'll be able to meet people not just from my district, but from around the world. i'm sure i wouldn't be able to find my soulmate amongst them, but it'll wean me off being a chatroom queen to being a real human being.

and i'm sure in campus, no random pervert would come up to me and say, "hey, asl pls."