La Dolce del mio Cuore Amore

the title is evidence of my weak grasp of Italian grammar.

anyway, yesterday's teaching was HORRENDOUS. the kids were absolutely monstrous. they were colossally stupid! i bet i wasn't as stupid as they were at their age. and why can't they stay in their bloody seats? yes, they are really disgustingly cute, but they'd be cuter if they were running around screaming and on fire.

so it was such a bad day. 3 kids went home crying, 4 of them were fighting, and 1 was sent out of the class in disgrace. i felt sick and light-headed, and my throat was all constricted and parched. then i had to prepare for the next day's class, but then i realised i forgot my esplanade pass so i have to go home to get it.

on the train to esplanade i was almost in tears because i felt SO shitty and sick. luckily there was audrey. laughter and good food cheered me up much, but i still felt yucky. then we went for practice, and there was him. my seat had such a clear unadulterated view, i spent more time looking at him than at the conductor.

and just by looking at him made me feel so much better and so much happier, even though i know that he doesn't know i exist.

I Walketh the Darke Night

came home late, about 2 AM and dad wasn't very happy.

met Satan last night. seriously. that fellow's initials are S A Tan. it was funny. mickey and benson and i went out for late night dinner and met with his friend Satan and Satan's young advocate, which sad to say i forgot his name. first we went to this place with such bad service that we left without paying. then we went to another place with fantastic chicken wings.

then we told jokes, which were hilarious. i told them the indian-pakistani soldiers joke, which became joke of the night. i find that laughter is better than alcohol!

then mickey missed the exit to my place, so we wound up going to benson's to drop him off first, and we kept making the wrong turns. it wasn't so bad, cos at least we had KISS to headbang to. then the emperor a.k.a dad called to command the princess home.

i thought he'd be mad, but he wasn't. he just looked...disappointed?

Alas, My Heart Weepeth

take my hand, i'm a stranger in paradise
all lost in a wonderland
a stranger in paradise
if i stand starry eyed
there's a danger in paradise
for mortals who stand beside
an angel like you

i saw your face ascending
out of the common place
and into the rare
and somewhere out in space
i hang suspended
until i'm certain that
there's a chance that you care

won't you answer the fervent prayer
of a stranger in paradise
don't send me in dark despair
from all that i hunger for
but open your angel's arms
to this stranger in paradise
and tell her that she need be
a stranger no more

- sarah brightman, "Stranger in Paradise"

one more day of seeing my heart's desire. one more day of restraining my emotions before him. one more day of silence. one more day of unknown joy.

i can never talk to him. there is nothing for me to say to him, and nothing for him to say to me. we are just too far apart, even though we are sitting in the same room, just feet away from each other.

he doesn't know i exist.

which is fucking irritating because in the past, i always know how to make myself exist. if my target doesn't make the first move, i will be able to nudge him or her into making the move. but not with him. because he is just so high up, he isn't aware of lesser mortals like me.

but he is human like me, like everyone else, you'd protest. be a woman and talk to him.

well, considering the fact that he is about 30 years older than me, and is probably married or gay, it makes things difficult, doesn't it?

so i have to settle for silent adoration on my part, and blissful ignorance for his. why is life so complicated now? why can't i just settle for a nice normal boy my age?

because i deserve better than just a nice normal boy. a nice normal boy wouldn't be able to understand the complexity of my nature. a nice normal boy wouldn't be able to endure my fickleness, flightiness, violent mood swings, he wouldn't be able to debate intellectual ideas and discuss philosophy with me, and he wouldn't be able to provide the deep-rooted stability i hunger for.

now i have to wait till the next time i see him. then when i see him, it is one more day of restraining my emotions, one more day of silence, and one more day of unknown joy.

No, Not Thine

i can never love a man i don't respect.

it's not like what mickey says, that the man has to be better than me. that's bullcrap.

what i meant was that the man has to have some quality that i can look up to and admire. i can't really explain what quality, but it's nothing superficial. attractive men, yeah, i like looking at them. but usually the men that i really like aren't good-looking.

like for example, i told my brother once that if i could marry a celebrity, it'd be alan cumming. he's skinny, he's weird, but i really, really respect him. for his skill, his mind, his intelligence. i think he's really good-looking, but none of my friends think so. they are all, "that weirdo from spy kids???"

i like intelligent men. i really do. but i don't like those that brag about their intelligence and show off and look down on less-informed people. i like my men quiet and serious and humble. he has to be philantrophic and practical, but not terribly grounded. i know many of my friends would think that a loud and funny person would suit me better, because to them i'm a crazy, high-falootin' and carefree person, but i'm not. i know myself better.

i despise men who think they're the best thing that ever happened to womankind. i despise men who try too hard to prove that too. i despise men who try to impress and to dominate. yes, especially the latter. it's not that i'm a dominatrix (and to that guy who asked if he could kiss my feet, no, you are not fit to even breathe my air, limpdick) and that i like submissive men. i will only be submissive to a man i truly respect and love.

i think i'm growing up.



this is alan cumming, FYI.