Her Bell Ringeth, Mine Knell Tolleth

it broke my heart when i found out she was married. honestly it did. we started out the same kind of little girls, full of imagination and youthful exuberance, close as two peas in a pod, but i guess she grew up too fast.

it was just like, 10 years ago, we were flashing torchlight signals at each other's windows, dumping our less-than-satisfactory STEP class dinners into the drain outside the school canteen, pretending to be the Spice Girls (i was Ginger, she was Baby), getting into trouble together, writing secret notes to each other in our personal secret notebook and hanging out at each other's homes playing dolls and stuff.

then suddenly i wasn't cool enough for her. i was too dweeby and dorky (which i think i still am; i don't think i'll ever be cool enough for her unless she turned intellectual or something), i spent too much time at home reading than out in the mall, doing whatever 12-year-olds were supposed to do in malls, i didn't have the coolest watches (i recall the coolest watch then was a Baby G or something like that) or a Discman or even collected CDs of my own (remember, that was the late '90s, no iPods yet) and i still carried a bright pink Polly Pocket backpack. and i was fat. with straight-cut bangs.

so i was shunted off while she hung out with the cool kids. but i don't know why, i still wanted her as my friend very much, cos well, she was my only friend in that cruel world of primary six. i didn't say a thing when she copied off my test papers (and she claimed i copied off hers, which was remedied when we were separated, and i rocked the next test while she flunked it), and when she insulted and humiliated me in front of the class (which i don't think they cared), i kept quiet and accepted them because i liked her.

so her grades went down and we didn't end up going to the same school like we planned to. she went to a neighbourhood school, and i went to a good one (although i suffered hell in it until i met you, Dee =D) and i heard she dropped out at sec 3. i don't know if this was true or not. in JC i met her again, at the bus stop near our blocks. she was really thin, had peroxide orange hair, and two huge tattoos on her back. she told me she was going to work. i wanted to give her a hug but she looked like she wasn't comfortable with seeing me so i said goodbye instead.

that was the last i saw of her.

but i still checked in on her life sporadically, via her friendster profile, so i was stunned when i found out she had gone and gotten married. at 20. well i feel happy for her. but sad too. i mean, i'm 20, and i'm having a great time in uni, doing stuff that 20-year-olds do, but she's married and working already. she wouldn't know how it'll be like, with people her age, going for classes, having a whale of a time.

and as i write this, i realize that i haven't really gotten over her yet. yes, i'm bitter. and i was and still am jealous of her. jealous that after all the horrible things she had done to me, and possibly other people, after how she had thoughtlessly squandered her young life away, that she could still get a happily ever after, that there is still someone willing to love her and marry her, while here i am, spinster catless lady, ruined judas of a body, the most difficult woman ever, alone, sitting here and ranting about the life of another person.

i shouldn't think any more tonight.